*Best Possible Outcome

There is no worse feeling in the world then when one’s child is in danger, being rejected, bullied, picked on, or faced with the biggest decision of their life so far, whether it be the parent’s perception or the child’s truth.  Once the nest is empty, the agony of this watch seems worse for the parent who understands it is not their job to fix the problem.  There is no more going to the teacher to talk about the grade.  No more engaging a coach into rethinking their decisions regarding your child’s playtime or position.  No more talking to the parents of friends to try to mediate an argument.  Most of the problem-solving opportunities we are invited to participate in have mostly to do with a financial bail-out and although that is okay, it is hard to sit by and not be the one who can fix whatever ails the child in other areas of their life.  It’s hard to let go.  But we must.

Having emptied the nest almost 4 years ago, I have learned to be at peace with a steadier pace of life; a pace that doesn’t include a lot of hurried preparation for activity or immediate action to attend to life dramas in my children's lives..  But, every once in awhile, fear creeps in to what has been a calm and accepting heart.

In the beginning of the empty nest syndrome, the void of daily responsibilities for children starts with the panic, “what will I do now? – and -- "What will the kids do without me?”  Gradually, the fear of having no control over our child’s life erodes with time and a realization that the child has been making life-decisions all along, without you, emerges.  There is certain relief in not feeling responsible for everyday decisions of one’s children.  After the grief of letting the kids go comes a time of freedom and self-discovery.  It also gives one room to step back and look at one’s offspring as a “painting in progress.”  I see the brushstrokes of diversity in my kids, see the erasures, take joy in the awesome colors of who they are and with an arms-length perspective, appreciate where their brush and palette have taken over the structure of the piece.

That is until a child is hurt.  No amount of time, distance or circumstance can change the response of a parent’s heart when a child’s life is being challenged with adversity of any kind; it has happened to every one of my grown children in one way or the other.

The curse and beauty of age is the gathering of knowledge and wisdom based on past experience.  If we are open to walking through challenges, both good and bad, we are saying yes to the opportunity for growth.  All challenges in life are just that: the embracing of the moment, the circumstance, the pain and the joy, to learn and grow from that very experience.  It is the opportunity for growth we sometimes turn away from.  Not only do we turn away, but we run and hide from it.  Running away comes from a place of fear.  If we stand in the moment embracing each and every moment with love, there is no possible way to run in fear.  If we cannot stand alone in love then we must beseech the spirit to do it for us until we feel that strength on our own.  This means loving our enemies, doing what’s right despite all obstacles, rising above the argument and letting go of the pettiness of the moment, seeing beyond today and understanding that there is a “Best Possible Outcome” that we cannot see clearly in the moment.  Not only that, but my dear friend who “gets this” reminds me that when we are seeking and praying for the Best Possible Outcome in any situation, we are to go one step further and understand – and CLAIM that the Best Possible Outcome is already on it’s way.  There is a sense of relief and release when we accept this.

It makes parenting a bit easier, especially when parenting adults.  They need to claim this for themselves and there is no way for them to learn this unless we model it.

One thing I know – when I am praying for peace of heart and quiet of mind, God presents himself in ways that I understand.  Much of the time it is in the form of our Black Labrador Retriever, Annie.  She knows my heart better than I do.  She senses my grief, my heavy heart, my sadness, my joy, or my melancholy before I do.  Her presence brings me to the present.  If I sit in grief over lost opportunities, she may slowly rise and walk over to me, put her paw on my lap and kiss my cheek.  If I am in tears, happy or sad, she comes and silently licks them from my face in such a tender way, I am immediately calmed and feel an unconditional love I don’t always feel with humans.  It’s so ironic that Dog spelled backwards is God.  So many of us fail to understand the depth of God’s love.  Who else would dance around with joy at your return?  Who else does not remember your anger from yesterday?  Who else just let’s you cry and reaches out with a comforting touch?  Who else sits patiently waiting for your return?  Unconditional love is a tough action to emulate.  It doesn’t come easy.  Yet if one looks at the naturalness of the love that emanates from a dog, we are led to believe it is instinctual for them. So the question must be, if unconditional love is instinctual for dogs, then why not for humankind?

Instinct. Maybe it is, then, okay to accept that a mother’s first instinct is to protect and comfort a child.  Then, let it be that the first instinct to comfort a child comes from the same unconditional love that Annie so freely gives. With that, I can only accept that the gift of Love is in the moment.  Love is in this place.  Where there is love – fear cannot exist.  It is a struggle to get to the acceptance of love in the midst of chaos.  One has to look for it, pray for it, beg for it and sometimes just accept it’s there when we can’t see it.  It is then, I turn it over to God….”Love for me because I cannot love it right now!”

It is in the letting go of fear that love prevails.  It is with the presence of love that the Best Possible Outcome reveals itself in good time.  And it is in the wagging of a tail, the empathetic look in the eye, and a big slobbery kiss of a dog that love announces its presence – at least in this household.

It’s been a pretty depressing week for reading Facebook.  Moms from every aspect of my life and friends of friends are posting their heartache as their babes are leaving for college, getting married or simply moving out on their own.  It is tough and although there are jokes about bolting the doors and making sure you don’t let them back in (they might stay) or being cautioned about the “boomerang effect,” it isn’t really a laughing matter at the time.

I was feeling sad myself this week as our summer inhabitant/Office administrator left to go back to school.  Gabe, #6 and baby of the clan came home for the first time since he left for college three years ago, to work a “real” job for our business.  It was a win-win for us because we hadn’t accomplished much in the line of paperwork organization since our beloved Hannah had to stay in California when we moved.

Yes, three years ago we watched #6 fly the coop and we flew shortly after.  Son #1 is now the master of the home we raised our children in so he is the one that gets the returning siblings for holidays, events and a warm place to land, making our empty nest syndrome a different challenge altogether.

Moms and Dads all over the world are saying goodbye to their kids as they start out on journeys of their own.  The empty nest syndrome is alive and flourishing, and like other syndromes, until you come down with a big case of your own, you may not understand the effect it has on you today, and in the future.  It really never goes away.  But it can be managed.

The definition of a syndrome is this: A group of identifying signs and symptoms…

Empty nest syndrome according to Wikipedia is: a feeling of grief and loneliness parents or guardians may feel when their children leave home for the first time, such as to live on their own or to attend a college or university.

As I’m writing this, Hannah, our fore mentioned Office Manager, is celebrating the birth of her second son.  It was announced in a mass text. I ended up in a conversation with her aunt, a recipient of the same announcement. She was in a bittersweet place; celebrating the birth of her newest nephew at the same time her only child is off to college. The bitter-sweetness was not lost on me.

One only says so much in a text, especially a group text, but I was thinking how much I’d love to wrap my arms around Hannah and tell her to savor the moment; remember back to when she was holding her little cousin for the very first time.  Have not the years between then and the day of this son’s birth gone by far too quickly?  Is there any way to help new mothers understand the preciousness of every single moment of their children’s lives?

They go away - yet they don’t.  Most of the time they come home with laundry in hand and find their way to the fridge before making chaos of their old bedroom within seconds.  Heaven forbid if we try to make the room into Dad’s man-cave, a craft room or a guest room. 

For the weekend or holiday break, things seem back to normal.  I catch myself prompting my returnees with their schedule, asking if they’ve done their laundry, and other little automatic “Mommy must do’s.  In other words, I comfortably fall into my old routine of mothering.  Then as they pack to leave, I’m hit smack over the head with a 2x4 with the knowledge that when they are away from me, they don’t need the mothering.  That may not be 100% true.  Let’s just say, if they need the mothering, I don’t know about it and the kid is still breathing and their socks may be rigid with dirt, but it’s a matter of “out of sight out of mind” at that point.

I try to remember that the formative years are just that.  My job is to prepare the children for independent living and success.  I’ve tried to keep in mind that “mothering” isn’t always the best thing to do while the kids are with me.  Letting a kid fail at the small things in order to suffer some minor consequences enables the child to change their behaviors and learn responsibility.  I know, I know, if you are a helicopter Mom, you must think I’m a loser.  Let’s put it this way.  Part of that training was not just for the child.  It was for me too.  Without the small increments of letting go, I could be the mom that the College Football coach is banning from the games because I didn’t get the memo that at the age of 18 my son is considered an adult and the coach is now his mentor, teacher, dad and god (little “g” intended.)  Smothering a child while they are home is bad enough, but hovering when they are 18 or over says little about them and “TOO MUCH” about the parent.

Letting go of your child is a show of respect for the adult you helped to raise.  Holding on is not about their inability to be that adult but the parents lack of confidence in the job they have done as teachers.   That doesn’t mean you haven’t done your very best.  It just means you have to believe you have and trust your child to the rest of the world.  How easy is that?  NOT!

Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empty_nest_syndrome) says it pretty simply:
Symptoms of empty nest syndrome can include depression, a sense of loss of purpose, feelings of rejection, or worry, stress, and anxiety over the child's welfare. Parents who experience empty nest syndrome often question whether or not they have adequately prepared their child to live independently.
  
I find  it interesting that stay at home moms are said to experience the empty nest syndrome more than others.  I guess that could be true as that has been our job and somewhat our identity.  (I’ll touch on this in my “Stay at home Mom article later.)  I don’t think it’s fair to categorize the effect of Empty Nest quite so specifically.  I know plenty of Mom’s who were full-time workers that feel the effects as much if not more than I.  There can be a feeling that they now have to grieve the time they could have had with their child if they had stayed at home; an extreme feeling, not balanced by the reality of the needed income in this society and the truth that they worked two jobs while raising their children.  Raising children, despite the actions of many parents, is not a competition.  You enter the life-cycle by bearing the children, feeding them, clothing them and setting life standards and values by your own actions, your words and for me a lot of prayer.  Raising children is as individual as the parent and their own life story.

So is letting go.  So is experiencing the heartbreak and sadness of packing up the room and setting up the dorm, apartment, or waving goodbye to the soldier.  I congratulate Target, Wal-Mart and other big box stores for making the adventure a little fun.  Buying matchy-matchy bedding and plastic drawers more than makes up for the stab of sadness as you hug your kid good-bye and drive back home to the empty nest, right?

It’s real.  Its’ different for everyone and until you go through it, you haven’t a clue.  Wiki says some people never experience it and feel a sense of relief and freedom.  The key piece of information there is – they don’t feel it. Just because they don’t feel it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.  Good for you for feeling it.  Recognizing it means you are a step closer to doing something with it.  And just because you don’t feel relief and freedom at this moment doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

It’s time now to prepare the nest for the return visits of your adult.  It’s time to do what your heart has always wanted you to do.  Guilt is non-productive so move that out with the kids and say goodbye to it forever.  The relationship between you and your kids is ongoing.  They will always be a part of your life.  They are not gone – it’s just different.

Remember to remember.  When I left home, I would come back and spend more time visiting others than my parents.  Holidays and family gatherings and the joy of being with my folks brought me home.  I wanted to be in my old room and I wanted to base myself from that home.  But I didn’t return to the child that preceded my independence – ever!   Remember how important your friends were before you left home. Your children’s are too and they have had to disband most of their life-long circles of friends and it hurts.  It will be a few years before those circles are diluted with new friends, spouses and children. When that happens, the family circle starts to reunite.  Remember, you are the constant in their life, but they don’t need you to remain the same.  Remember how you felt about your parents after you left.  Watching my parents “having a life” after I left was important to me.  Seeing active parents with lives of their own is a gift.  It keeps the responsibility of your happiness off the shoulders and heart of your kids.  Gift them with that.

And lastly, remember the image of holding sand in one’s palm. You can hold a lot more sand in an open palm than if you squeeze the sand with all your might.  Hold your family in the palm of your hand.  It is a gentle, freeing feeling.  Grieve the loss, but celebrate the job you have done.  

Today is still the first day of the rest of YOUR life as well as their’s.